Got · MILF?

Lots of things happened this past weekend. Both painful and good. Me and the love of my life brokeup, don't ask the details, because I'm not telling, though I wish things could have been different. One good thing is that I got to hang with some old friends, that made me happy. I'm getting KTAP which makes me even happier, because I'll be bringin in the green, oh yayuh. Sara is doing very well. And I was so bored that I wrote a lil poem I guess I will share...another day.(Got ya)

Need to go to the doc, ughh, unfortunately.

To be poked at, in places no one wants to be poked at (ladies you know what I'm talking about it's that time of the year.)

On another note:

Alix, you're the shit.
Ashe, you're the coolest pirate I know.
Christina, you're da bomb diggey do da day:-P

Thanks for being such good friends:)

Well, my friends, haven't wrote in this piece of shit in forever. So, to make it short and sweet, here are some things that have been going on with me:

-Got fired from my job.
-Daughter was diagnosed with cancer.
-Daughter went into remission (YAY!)
-Psycho ex beat up a friend of mine he was dating (btw, expect an ass kicking very soon for that...)
-Cut off all my hair and went back blonde.
-Fed up with people's bullshit and they can kiss my ass (you know who you are.)
-Need to hang out with my old friends (you know who you are too:-D)
- Bored, as fuck.
-Brother stopped drinking, (for now that is)

I've pretty much been through hell and back over the past 6 months. And anyone who wants to hang, message me, I'll message you my numero.

Later homies.

Months of buying presents,wrapping, then waiting on money, then buying some more, then the last minute shopping, ahhhhhhh!!! I'm, so glad I'm done and that it's almost over with. Today we are going to Frog's and doing the present thing in the morning, then we are coming back Saturday afternoon because my aunt and cousins are coming out. Then of course xmas morning here and then off to my grandmother's house, which isn't so bad, it's only next door:) I don't even know if Sara's dad is going to try to see her, I'm expecting not. Doesn't hurt my feelings any but I'm sure it will Sara's as she gets older, plus I don't understand how a human being could do that to their own child, it's fucked. Sara is a beautiful smart little girl. But you know what I was thinking, really, with the kind of person her dad is, I don't think I want him around her anyway, so really he is doing me the favor. He is a bad person, a thief, a liar, not very hygienic, what kind of dad is that right? Plus Sara has other people that really care about her. My family, Frog and his parents, my friends. She is going to be just fine. Though it sucks trying to explain to a child why her father doesn't see her. I think part of it is because we can't stand each other but I know when to keep my mouth shut, on the other hand, he likes to run it. (If you are reading this by chance, come on now, you know it's the truth.) Also, I think he holds it against me for not staying with him and putting up with his crap. Plus he might be a 27 year old male, but not a man. It takes a man to take care of his children and all of his responsibilities, and right now, he's only doing a small percentage of that. Money isn't the whole issue. With me it's most of the issue, plus Sara's happiness, but you know, I'm sure Sara doesn't think about money.

Anyhow, it's sad that she doesn't have her real father, but it is ok, because she has father figures in her life. My dad, Frog, even my brother to an extent, he loves to spoil her, lol. I thank Frog for helping me because lots of times it's hard trying to play both roles of both parents, and he helps me out alot.

Well I guess I'd better get the kiddo to eat something, she's got a long two days ahead of her, lol.

Well 'the bad thing'I was talking about hit the other day, but no worries, it's amazing how hard something can hit you, but then in a short matter of time is miraculously resolved. I guess some good can come when we thing times are at their worst. Things aren't perfect right now, but who's to say they can't be? I am determined. I have this feeling everything is gonna be ok now...:)

I think my mom thinks I probably abuse my kid or something now. Sara grabbed my cigarette out of my hand earlier today when she was having a tantrum, and has like tow blisters, and of course, I'm to blame.

So I figured I'd write something. Hmm,lets see. Thursday night I went to Frog's, Sara went to bed, and we had sex in the bathroom. Hmm, then we went and watched 'Batman Begins' then after that we went to the bathroom and had even more sex. Then after that we went to his room and...Well you get the picture. (Rinsed and repeated the next day, haha)

Sex is great!

Betcha Phil is thinking right now 'I wanna see it again!' Lol, just fucking with you Phil. (inside joke amongst us for those who don't know.)

P.S. Oh yeah after we had sex the first time I watched him take a piss, kinky huh? Lmmfao. Yeah I know we're fucking wierd. :-P

Yesterday was the best birthday EVER!!! I turned 20, and I got to spend the whole day with my sweetheart. Well, not the whole day, because some Army recruiter stole him from me for 7 hours, but after he returned home, everything was awesome. We went to see 'Corpse Bride', and when we went to get the tickets I told the girl it was my B-Day, so she didn't charge him for me. Then as we waited for the movie time to come around, we went next door, to that Chinese Resteraunt, and got the buffet, it was pretty decent. I actually ate chicken, and I'm a vegetarian.
We finally went to see the movie, cuddled up in the theatre, and watched. It was ok, not spectacular, but ok. Then we walked back home, and it was raining, I love playing in the rain:) We got home and straight to the bedroom, and well...You can pretty much guess after that;) But just being with him is what made it so special. Oh, and did I mention he baked me a cake? And that is was awesome?lol

ANCIENT EGYPT
Famous Ruler: King Ramses II
Living Quarters: Brick, mud and straw houses
Hardship: Drought
Ancient Egypt is one of the most fascinating and
puzzling time periods ever. Plus mummies are
cool!


What Time Period Do You Belong In?
brought to you by Quizilla

...wow...you're gonna kill something or
someone...you're totally psyco...AWESOME!


what kinda crazy are you? (with pics! wootwot!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Padme!
(Natalie Portman)

You are Padme Amidala from Star Wars eps. 1, 2 and
3! Hey! You're not a princess! You are a queen,
and then you are a senator... but anyway,
you're on my list... You are a brave girl that
have no problems with agressive negotiations..
you are a very strong politician an you hate
corrupts... your only problem in the story was
that you ended up falling in love with the bad
guy, Anakin Skywalker, but he only turned bad
to save you, that means he was really in love
with you... and he ended up not saving you at
all, did he ? ='(


Which Movie Princess are you ??
brought to you by Quizilla

I look back at my life from this moment on, and I don't take back a damn thing. If I had to it to do over again, I wouldn't change anything. The hurt, the mistakes, lost loves, my daughter, nothing. You wantto know why? Because this IS the meaningf life. To feel. If everyone had everything handed down to them constantly, they would only have room for one feeling. They would be used to getting what they wanted, That is a weak person. It's true though, as the saying goes, one who is spoiled, and has everything taken away from them, fights harder to get it back. BUT, there is one thing they are forgetting. If you are used to having everything handed down to you on a silver platter, and one day it is all gone, how are you to cope with that? You wouldn't. You would go insane or kill yourself, it can be almost gauranteed. But those of us that are used to hurt, the dissapointment, well now, we are the strongest because we are the fighters, and we know how to cope.So no I wouldn't change anything.I am thankful for all that I've been through, because it makes me more strong-willed, for me and my daughter both.

I had to go to the doc Tuesday morning. It was quite funny actually. They sent me to the wrong office at first, then when I was finally in the right place, I had to fill out tons of paperwork, all so some doctor could feel on my goodies. Finally it got down to the exam, and the doc (in my opinion) spent a little too much time on the mammogram, (checking for lumps in the breast. She may have felt me up...) But anyway, the punch line is, my grandfather was my ride home and back, and just thought I was going for a checkup.. Whenever I was leaving they decided to give me a 'goodie' bag packed with condoms, foam, and then plus my B.C. pills.

I had to shove about 20 condoms, a tube of foam, 3 packs of pills, and 4 bottles of multi-vitamins in my tiny pink purse. Then they gave me papers on all the different types of birth control. I'm just glad my grandfather didn't ask what my checkup was for, because even though I really didn't care, I really didn't want to explain to my grandfather what exactly a pap is, lmao. I also found out at the doc though I've lost 25 lbs. I guess that's good.

I rented 'The Ring 2' that morning as well, and watched it with Frog that night. It was decent, not as good as the first though. Oh yes, Saturday night I got the chance to stay with him 'baby free'. It was spectacular, except when he held me down and made me smoke pot, oh well, I needed it. I mad him and Tim watch the third Urban Legends movie, it was crazy. Spiders coming out of some chicks head, a guy gets his cock barbequed off because he urinates on a high voltage fence, good times.

I don't get enough respect.

Chocolate dum dum suckers aren't very tasty.

I'm trying to quit smoking cigs.

I hope I don't start smoking pot again.

But I'd rather be smoking pot than popping pills.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Geezus krist.

I tried taking the bottle away from Sara tonight, hah, that was a bad idea. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. I could have handled it, but of course my mommy dearest had to run in the room and take my daughter out of my hands. She went to buy her another bottle as well. (The other one I had thrown in the trash.) It's my fault really for not trying to take the bottle away from her at an earlier age, but I was working, and things were hectic. But then again, if my parents wouldn't incessantly spoil her, things would be different. If I didn't live at home, things would be different. I want so much to start my new life with Frog, and have our own place, but we both need jobs for that. I could move into Johnny and Brandy's in a few short months, and it only cost me $200 a month.

As far as childcare goes, daycare it is. Of course my first few paychecks will be paying just to keep Sara in daycare, but after I start working I can apply for 4c's and hopefully they will cover a big percent of that. My mother is not dependable enough to watch Sara, hell, I can't even get her to watch her for 20 minutes so I can go pick up a few applications. My mother only complies with whatever is to her benefit, but she's missing the bigger picture. If I have a job, Sara and I are out of her hair. But you know, I think she sees me as her built in housekeeper, and if I don't have a car or job, or license at that, I can't have a life of my own, and she likes the thought of that. Sounds pretty presumptuous huh? Not at all. That's just 'mom' for you. I hate to say it, but she's a mega-bitch. My 'inadequate' lifestyle isn't to her liking. She's not wanting to understand that I am still 19 years old. I need to still be a teenager sometimes. My social worker even told her that. Talk about understanding your kids. I just need time to myself every now and then...

I'm not anything spectacular, I can only wish I was spectacular.

Everyone is cursed. The reason for this is no matter what, no matter what relationship, what past, present, or future, you are always compared to someone. I've put some serious though into this, and it's true. Everyone has been compared at some point in their life by a lover to a past lover, that one person that meant so much to them, yet fucked them over an obscene amount. Not even that really, it could have been someone that they lost due to their own mistakes, but regardless, the factor still stands. Whether it's a physical comparence, mental, emotional, whatever. And the worst part about it, is that you have to work up to those standards. Climb the ladder ring by ring.

But I say, what is the point? Why should we have to work so hard to meet the standards in comparison of those before us? I'd want to be myself, angel some days, hanus bitch others, and that one person love me for all that I am, good and bad, angelic or hanus, it shouldn't matter. Ups and downs should lay in the past, the future is what binds.

And also, relationships should be 50/50, in every department. In the effort of the relationship, to the chores around the house, not 70/30, or worse, which is what I'm seeing lately. And before anyone jumps to conclusions, no this blog does not apply to me directly, it's just observations I've made in general throughout tons of relationships, especially lately. The point is if you want a relationship to work, you have to step up, and do your part. And to the ones that are being stepped upon, stop being a fucking doormat, stand up, and if your s.o. doesn't like it, then they can't take their asses on down the road. Love shouldn't be seen as an object, or just a thought, or just a physical state, because it is all of those and more. It is the look that you give to that someone special when they wake up, that makes their day the greatest. Or that small goodbye kiss before they leave to work, because anything could happen, they may not come back. The simple 'I love you', before you get off the phone. Covering them with a blanket after they've fallen asleep on the couch so they don't get cold. That two extra minutes they decide to stay before leaving. The little dorky keychain that they bought you at the gas station. It may have only cost 50 cents, but the point is, they thought about you. And when your sound asleep at night, and they cuddle close to you, knowing your not the slightest bit awake, but still whisper in your ear how much you mean to them, that's love.

The point is people, fucking wake up, and pull the stick out of your ass, yes, keep pulling, because it's pretty far up there. Now that's done, open your fucking eyes, because you never know what you have until it's gone.

Ok, today I'm sooooo going job hunting. I'm so bucking froke it's not even funny, wait, strike that, reverse it.

I'm probably going up to Priscilla's today, and then maybe Mom's Music, as long as I'm making over 6 an hour, I don't care.

Jesska Lush was supposed to come over Frog's yesterday and hang, but couldn't, (it's ok Jesska I still love you!!!!) I miss her so. She was my favorite friend.

Still going to kick some bitch ass, if I ever see the whore.

Child support in the mail, woot woot!

PMS sucks.

~NJ